The first time Gloria told me she was pregnant, you really could’ve knocked me over with a feather. It was just a normal day like any other. We were planning on going shopping, and going out to eat and shit. You know, like a normal day.
At first, for a split second, I was scared. I was scared that she would really have a baby. Where would that leave me?
I knew right away, however, that she wouldn’t have it.
We were at a really cheap Chinese restaurant. One that we loved because it was just so cheap and they had the best chicken fried rice. It was over on 7th and Vine. It’s gone now. I hate that. The really did have the best chicken fried rice. I still think about it.
We were sitting there in silence. She was looking past me, just staring. I asked her if she was ok. She just rolled her eyes.
“I need you go to Wal-Mart with me.”
“Why?”
“I have to steal a pregnancy test.”
“Really?”
For a moment I didn’t believe it. And I thought that it would be fun, going to take a pregnancy test. I’ve done that many times with different girls throughout my life. And it was funny every time. We would think up baby names. And then the test would come back negative, and we’d laugh. “Close one!” we’d say.
I asked her if we really had to go to Wal-Mart. I hate that place. I always thought she did too. But she said that she hated pregnancy tests more, and stealing a pregnancy test from Wal-Mart was just the perfect place, it just made sense. Besides that, you don’t even have to take it out of the store. You can use the bathroom there.
I asked her if anything on earth could be more white trash? She said, no, probably not.Wal-Mart must lose millions of money every year from pregnancy tests being done in their bathrooms. We were both quite sure of it.
Gloria said that you could actually steal some good things there. Like jewelry: how can you tell that it’s from Wal-Mart? Just take off the labels, try them on and walk out the store. Besides that you never have to feel bad, ever, about stealing anything from Wal-Mart. When you think of what they do to cities and how they’re so against any of their employees trying to unionize. So – do as you please! And especially – always make sure to take home a bottle of contact solution from Wal-Mart. Never, ever pay for that shit. She hated buying contact solution probably just as much as paying for a pregnancy test.
I waited in the electronic section, longing for a new TV. A big new one that fits on the wall. One that would fit in my dream house, with white terrazzo floors and a swimming pool with an infinity edge. Something mid century modern, I think it’s called. Cyprus trees line both sides of the swimming pool. There’s a bar on the patio. We have lots of parties there. Theme parties. Tango. Surfs up! Fancy dress. We could have a band playing by the pool sometimes. We’re so popular, the two of us. When we walk outside in our Hawaiian themed outfits, everybody turns around and applauds. Thank you for coming! Enjoy - Cheers! The house would overlook the lights of the Hollywood Hills. You can see Downtown L.A. I mean, I don’t even know if that’s possible or not. But in my head it is.
That’s when Gloria comes up to me, with new Wal-Mart sunglasses on top of her head and says that it’s time to leave. I asked her if she got me a new pair of sunglasses too. I remember I hated mine at the time and was practically dying for a new pair. She doesn’t listen.
She ignores me when I ask her if she’s pregnant or not. I know what the answer is. Otherwise she’d be skipping through Wal-Mart, and we’d be thinking of a place to go celebrate.
Damn it. I wanted to go celebrate someplace.
In the car she says that we needed four hundred dollars. We know that it’s going to drain the bank account. (Which was in her name, but I trusted her.)
“How do you know it’s that much.”
“Trust me, I know.”
“Have you done this before?”
“Yes, Unfortunately. And the longer you wait, the more expensive it gets.”
“Really?”
“Yes. The last time I had to wait to get my fucking tax return back, and it ended up costing two hundred bucks more by the time I got my fucking check! They have that instant rebate thing, but I thought that was too white trash, and I didn’t think that it would take that long to get it. But it did. I would’vesaved money if I just would’ve got the instant Rebate. “
“How long did it take?”
“Fuck H&R Block and fuck the IRS.”
“So how long did it take?”
“The instant rebate? I don’t even remember. But it was just like, everyday, waiting for the fucking check, and it was literally driving me crazy.”
“I bet.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t more shocked to hear that story. I just guessed that it was because I’d come to expect that type of thing from her. I would’ve probably been shocked if she would’ve told me that, no she’d never been pregnant before – that she was scared and confused and didn’t know what to do.
I hated to think about it. I was glad though, that we had the four hundred. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait. After a long pause, listening to the Oldies station (we always had the same Oldies station on.), I tried to lighten the mood:
“Isn’t there anything you can do yourself?”
“What do you mean ‘do myself’?”
“Like to cause a…miscarriage. It just seems like there has to be a way.”
“You mean like throw myself down the stairs?”
“Exactly.”
“I guess we could look it up online."
I told her about the movie Vera Drake. First of all, I told her – I couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it. It was so good. I still can’t believe that Imelda Staunton didn’t win Best Actress that year. But her abortion kit consisted of a giant bar of industrial soap, a plastic syringe and a cheese grater. I told her we could probably just watch the movie and try to copy what she did. It seemed so easy. But in the movie, even though she had done it a hundred times before, things didn’t go so well in the end and Vera ended up in prison. Not that Gloria would end up in prison. Thanks to women’s lib. But she could end up in the hospital and that might cost even more. Again, she wanted to avoid a false economy…… And I kept thinking: who did win Best Actress that year?
“I cannot believe that anyone ever used a coat hanger on themselves.” she said.
“That’s so gross.”
“I really think somebody just made that up. Or some asshole went nuts and tried it. I mean, you really have to be stupid. Why would you think that would work? Have you ever heard of shooting vinegar up
there?”
“Gross! You mean like vinegar or vinegar water?”
“I guess vinegar water.”
“Just let’s stop it..That’s so foul.. We’ll just go to the doctor.”
I was pissed off that I could not remember who beat out Imelda Staunton for Best Actress that year. That scene where she was being questioned by the police just broke my heart.
“What if I do a big belly flop down the stairs and you do the same thing and land right on top of me.”
“We could break something. Or chip our teeth”
Gloria grimaced. She was very proud of her white straight teeth that have never needed braces, headgear, rubber bands or White Strips.
I knew she was just kidding. But Ifthere was one thing that pissed her off more than anything it was paying. Paying money for anything and that’s what the problem was. Giving that doctor, or whoever, four hundred dollars. She was pissed off enough when she had to pay the electric bill.
And watch out, and I mean really watch out if you ever give her a parking ticket. I’ve seen her pay one and if words could kill, she could’ve killed the person behind the glass window. I told her that it was kind of mean. I don’t care. That BITCH behind that fucking glass window is part of the grease that makes this shitty, shitty, city run. Maybe if she complained to her supervisor, they would stop giving out so many mother fucking tickets.
I told her I that I didn’t think so.
I don’t care! There is nothing more I hate than giving money to this city. This city. This horrible, horrible city, that in my heart of hearts…….Deep, deep down, I truly, truly….. with all my heart…..hate.
Well put, I thought.
At dinner that night, we were at Benihana, she asked me, “Don’t you want to know whose it is?” She added that I hadn’t even asked.
It was funny, because I hadn’t even thought of it. So I asked her, “Whose is it?”
She shrugged and said, “You’re guess is as good as mine!” And that was the end of that.
We laughed.
When she ordered a martini before dinner, I seriously looked at her like she was crazy. I told her “You can’t have a martini!”
In which case it was her turn to look at me like I was crazy.
“Are you serious?”
And then I stopped and thought about it. I don’t know why I said that.
We laughed again.
I don’t know why I didn’t think that a D&C was more dangerous than a martini cocktail. Duh._
And we finally remembered that it was Hilary Swank who beat out Vera Drake for Best Actress.
One week later we found ourselves parked outside the woman’s clinic. A small little building surrounded by trees. It looked very peaceful. I thought for sure that it would be in the inner city with graffiti and loud music coming from ghetto blasters and that we would be surrounded by right to life protesters. But no such thing.
She went in alone. I watched her walk in and I wished that I could go in there with her. I wanted to support her, but I also really wanted to see what it looked like inside. I thought she would turn around and wave goodbye, but she didn’t. I went home and waited for her call to come pick her up.
She got back in the car, and I noticed that she looked just the same as before. I don’t know what I was expecting. That they were going to rough her up or something. Rip her blouse. Mess up her hair. Tear her stockings. Maybe one of her heals from her shoes would be missing.
When I got her home, she took a nap. I always thought that Liza Minnelli in Cabaret took what looked like the best nap in the world after her abortion. And Gloria did the same thing. A big deep nap on top of the bed with her clothes on. It made me wonder if Liza actually had had an abortion before filming her Academy Award winning performance. (They say she was really wild.)
Later that night we got in a fight.
We were in a club. She went to talk to some guy she knew. They disappeared. It was so crowded in there, and I walked around for what seemed like hours looking for her. Looking over hundreds of heads trying to find her. I was quite drunk and ready to go. I wasn’t planning on getting lucky or anything that night, as I thought we were out to celebrate together.
When I found her, I threw her coat at her. She became angry at me for me being angry at her. We drove home without saying a word. She slept on the couch.
